When School Feels Too Hard
The start of a new school year often brings a mix of excitement and pressure. New teachers, new routines and new expectations can feel manageable for some children, but for others, returning to school can feel overwhelming. Sometimes this isn’t about a child being unwilling to go to school, but about a child who simply “can’t,” at least for now.
You may hear this described as “school refusal”, but many psychologists now use the term “school can’t”. This small change in language matters. It reminds us that when a young person struggles to attend school, it is often a response to distress or barriers rather than defiance or lack of effort or “won’t” they simply just “can’t.”
School “can’t” can be influenced by many things happening at once. Social pressures, learning challenges, past negative experiences, changes at home, or the sheer effort of transitioning from holiday mode back into structure can all contribute. When these factors stack up, a child’s nervous system can go into overload, making school feel unsafe or impossible, even if they want to be there.
Children don’t always have the words to explain this. Instead, their distress may show up as stomach aches, tears, anger, withdrawal, or strong resistance in the mornings. Often, they hold it together at school and release those feelings once they’re home, which can be confusing and exhausting for families. This is referred to as “after-school restraint collapse,” which is a recognised response where children use enormous energy to meet expectations at school during the day, then “collapse” emotionally once they reach a safe space. You can support children through this by offering emotional connection like a hug before asking about their day, allowing time at home to decompress with something to eat, drink, toilet break or movement before chores or homework, keeping a regular routine each afternoon and remembering that these big emotions are a sign of trust, not misbehaviour. This is not a reflection of your parenting skills or that there is something wrong with your child, it is purely biological and can be managed.
One of the most helpful responses is shifting from asking “Why won’t they go?” to “What might be getting in their way?” This mindset invites curiosity and compassion rather than frustration. Listening, validating feelings and staying calm helps children feel supported, not pressured.
Early support is important. Gentle conversations, checking in with teachers, adjusting expectations and seeking professional advice when needed can prevent challenges from becoming entrenched. Progress doesn’t have to be fast to be meaningful. Small steps count.
Most importantly, remember that struggling at the start of the school year does not define a child or predict how the year will unfold. With understanding, patience and the right support, many children find their footing again.
Sometimes, the most powerful thing we can offer is the reassurance that they are not broken, they are not failing, and they are not alone.
Further reading: https://headspace.org.au/explore-topics/supporting-a-young-person/school-cant/
https://www.schoolcantaustralia.com.au/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/targeted-parenting/202509/dealing-with-after-school-restraint-collapse-5-ways-to-help
The information provided is from Better Together Community Support. This advice may not suit your personal situation and therefore cannot substitute real psychological advice please consult a professional if this has raised issues for you.
